~ChEeZyChEdDaRcHeEsE~

my head feels like it’s about to explode..it’s pounding relentlessly

‘get out of my head’ I tell them.but they won’t.no.they won’t listen to me.then again,nobody does.the winds of change are upon me.shifting me forward then backwards again.and everytime it shift backwards…i drift further and further away.

work’s depressing.friends are well…i fail to comprehend WHAT they are exactly anymore.often makes you rather drown in paperwork then be within 5m radius of them.no offence.

been travelling a lot.spent a few days in kuching,then almost 2 weeks in langkawi and a week in johore.came back.and STILL nothing’s changed.ok so in reality i can’t exactly ask for major turnover of things.not like i can get promoted overnight,nor change unit..or even better,to transform into another person altogether.

‘i nak tgk kertas kerja ni..jumpa pukul 2′

‘boleh…..’

at the back of my mind = ‘notis 24 jam karang…’

contemplating whether to go or stay..a few more weeks till it’s due..

yes?no?darker clouds lie ahead…

change we need is change for the better…old ‘things’ need to go..doing things the conventional way isn’t getting us anywhere…stop treating us 41s like mediocre..

Took some days off since christmas till the new year.Can’t actually say that I’ve been productive..spent most of my time on some silly game on my sis’s facebook;it’s where u all race to get up the social ladder..and now,at level 25 you’re considered as a megastar pet,with a bungalow of 5 rooms!

Was a bit addictive,despite my low tolerance for such games but hey,better than stuck doing those damned paperwork..Sometimes doing something which requires no brain activity is actually nice.

Can’t actually say that I was all hyped about new year..I’ll be 26 in less than a month.So for this year I got dragged to Mont Kiara.No idea what there is to see anyway.Unlike last year at the Curve,Mont Kiara’s a place where u’d see sooooo many families..yep..bring in all yer aunts and ahpo..and their walking sticks.. let’s all celebrate!There were kids dancing to tunes like ‘dancing queen’ and ‘YMCA’ (apparently this “white” culture has hit our town).There was a band too..one that I do not even know nor heard of..fireworks wise..the curve’s was better.A lot of expats too..mostly of the western continents..I knw KL city centre has their own “expats” during festivities too..only thing is..they are either bangladeshi or indonesian..

So the next time ur looking fr entertainment..a more “family” like environment where the party ends by 12.30..head down to Mont Kiara.If not,should you like a more packed environment with loadsa youth but within a controlled environment then go to the curve..if you’re looking for nothing of the sort and wish to engage in a bigger,bolder,louder,messier,multicontinental crowd then do head down to BB or Dataran Merdeka.

The only part I enjoyed during new year’s eve was when I was watching live telecast of the ‘Ambang 2009′ at Dataran Merdeka where DBKL’s orchestra were playing metallica’s song…damn their good..a rock band orchestra kinda thing..lagi best daripada ade koir dan ‘penari’ je le..bosan abes!!!!!!Tolong pindahkan saya ke DBKL!!!!

low tolerence

1. i.n.c.o.m.p.e.t.e.n.c.e

the main reason that should deter me from being an academician.a clear cut command should be responded with a precise action.when i say shelf,it does not in any manner mean table..regardless of condition unless mentioned.much of this happen when one fails to ‘listen’ properly..the mind often wonders to other places,failure to ’store’ command also happens..due to capacity overload with sensational-mind-blinding-gossips from kosmo,urtv,mangga and alike..

2. o.b.l.i.v.i.o.u.s

total oblivious of their own surrounding is a down trait.i do not like having one especially when i’m driving and trying to find the way all by myself despite having someone else with me who should’ve been a little considerate and atleast ‘try’ to help…

3. m.i.s.e.r

a big no-no.since i do not practise the count-every-penny-and-cent,i prefer to be treated the same way.going dutch is convinient since we don’t hafta rummage thru cents and ringgit & start counting in front of the cashier/waiter..we all have jobs..those jobs give us s-a-l-a-r-y..so don’t be a pathetic miser unnessarily..unless u tend to save the money for donation to the poor that is

4. s.e.l.f.i.s.h

taking turns to do something;a rare conscience.living in a hostel,ONCE you start sweeping..you tend to be the one who ALWAYS sweeps.give and take;an almost extinct feature.when i ask ‘where do you want to eat?’..i’d prefer to get a clear definite answer..i do not prefer the ‘oh..anywhere is fine’ because it tends to be ‘ala..sini tak best la..some other place can?’ when we get to the innitially ‘anywhere is fine’.it is irritating & troublesome.when i have no cravings for anything in particular i’d ask for others’ suggestions..rarely i’d get the ‘why don’t you pick?i’m okay with anything so long’s it not …(fill in the blank with allergies/dislikes)’….kan senang kalau macam tu?!!

5. “c.a.k.a.p.k.o.s.o.n.g”

a common trait within a specific society (needless to say which).they talk..and talk..a lot too if i might add.perhaps i’m blind..perhaps it’s not just talk?maybe it’s a way to get ‘the’ message across?a way of being convincing?blluurgghh..pish posh..”cakap kosong” isn’t only about not walking the talk,but also making a lot of empty promises..don’t you think it’s already a lot similar to lying?

anything you say or do will be used against you in the court of law..Silence.Silence is golden?or Silence is ignorance?

So many weird or funny things have been happening.Let me take you through a brief journey…A circular from the federal..some time in 1994 suppossedly should’ve made it’s way to where it was "intended to go".YET..it’s 2008,again I’ve checked & checked rechecked & rechecked..they keep telling me there’s still no such ammendment.So then tell me why was the bloody thing put up on a webpage ending  with ".gov.my" on it?Other than me,there’s only another person who SEEMS to know the provision I was talking about…it’s 34 A

funny?wait..it gets better….

A project being tabled over and over and OVER again..I’ve no idea why because it was already clear during the 1st meeting that it wasn’t going to get approval..(is this some sort of feigned ‘hope’ they’re trying to give?letting us ‘down’ gently eh?or probably unfamilliar usage to the noun "no"?)

Approach by the erm..newly electeds..can sometimes be ridiculous. Not only on the comments, suggestions made but also on the ‘approach’ itself…really..they should try & get use to their new role as public figures & stop acting like a ‘civillian’.Engaging in activities like picketing and holding up placards of discontents isn’t they way to go..that was the civillian way..but once you’ve been elected why can’t you exercise the power that has been vested?(& I don’t mean this in the manner of dictatorship nor with personal interest)..What I’d in mind was discussions..it’s where we all try to be professional & deal with matters in a very civil way..by communicating.

Stop blinding your thoughts with thoughts of everything can be simplified…once you’re in my shoes you’d know..the hierarchy, the bureaucracy that comes with it..the broken communications in between..& the ‘ignorance’ that’s rooted so deep that it becomes habitual.Changes take time.Changes need enforcement.Sadly not many of us would like to be the enforcer..rather the ‘talker’..Talk is cheap!

August

4 more months till the year’s up.I’ve still got my load of work..and..my load of ‘leave’.I’ve only taken 3 days off work so far…and still entitled to another 30 days off.Wish I could sell em off since I definitely won’t be enjoying any of it anytime soon.

I don’t see the relevance in taking leave because I won’t know what to do during “leave” (aside from sleeping it off).That being said,I’m bloody tired of work and reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally want some time off.But I can’t..due to the simple fact that I have too much to do in so little time (since my boss has taken the kind innitiative to “book” my calender FOR me).Yes,I have my whole month planned out.This is what we call, the first phase.By the time the second phase arrives,I’ll have my whole year all planned out for me.Smashing..just smashing…hip..hip..horrayyy…

Incompetence,greed,ignorance and jealousy seems to be in the air…all rounded up in form of cold wars and exchanging crude remarks.Each day my lungs inhale the suffocating pollution of office politics.I just hope my soul doesn’t get darker by the day.

Time away.Either that or just away for good.

..merupakan perkara pertama yang seharusnya diteliti sekiranya berkunjung ke pusat hiburan.Tetapi harus diingat bahawa pusat hiburan yang mempunyai lesen hiburan tidak semestinya akan terlepas dari serbuan pihak berkuasa tempatan memandangkan jenis aktiviti yang dilakukan akan tetap diambilkira (bagi memastikan aktiviti yang dijalankan mematuhi seperti yang tertera pada lesen)

It’s kinda funny when you think about it..I mean..license?really?who the hell cares?But we sure did.Just imagine should a bus full of people like us being ‘towed’ away…there won’t be anyone left in my department on Monday..hah hah ha..

We came in our official bus.Thank God we weren’t in any uniforms nor official clothings.It was my first experience it those VIP kinda suites.The room was bloody big.There was a long couch,tv,pool table,bar stools and table,2 rest rooms and a small private room.The purpose?purely for karaoke.It was even better since we had the pool table so we could kill time while waiting our turn to sing (in the end,I wasn’t all that hyped to sing..pool was better).

The room was enough to accommodate all 40 of us.We all knew each other (well…almost!).It was outside office hours..and everyone..became..themselves..Their ‘normal’ self.No protocols…none of that professional attitude required.Everyone was an equal..except for the big BOSS a.k.a my HOD of course.

Told my staff ‘you needn’t put on that surprised expression’.Just cause I look a lil bit “different”,doesn’t mean I didn’t know what ‘entertainment outlets’ were.Sure I went to karaoke and played pool..I’ve never denied it.I just never mentioned them.So now,they’ll probably look at me a little bit differently…but so what?They’re bound to know sooner or later…………………………….

It’s been a month since my graduation.Takes a while for my body to adapt to "local" time.No late nights staying up till 5 am..no late supper at 3am..no boring yet compulsory physical activities..yep,I’m back to doing the old stuff again..within these four walls I call office.

After my so-called graduation,I resumed office work for a week.That being said,I didn’t actually stuck in the office,lucky for me there were functions on that week (inclusive of publicity for sum development plan).Then,it was off to Sabah for a week on a meeting.Kota Kinabalu was great,tho could’ve been better if I had met people who were actually ‘kaki rayau’.The places I visited were purely for the purpose of spending money like pasar phillipine and the daily pasar malam..got me loadsa blings2 (wasn’t a fan of pearls since I didn’t know how to pick em).So by the time I was home I was quite broke…no wait..very broke!Why?because it was still quite recent since I went to Singapore,JB and God knows where else.

Back from Sabah,there was that gruesome task of holding a national workshop.By then Saturdays & Sundays were already considered as working days (minus the OT of course).Back to back meetings were held to ensure progress.Yep,we were a bunch of last minute’rs’.Throughout that month there were also the Anugerah Cemerlang and some other things intertwined (including majlis pertunangan).I also started a new ‘part time’ (but unintentionally) job as a facilitator.Requiring me to go to Morib every wednesday..they were training the Councillors.The 1 hour trip to Morib itself was already excruciating..needless to say the session itself didn’t actually helped.Me & Sharipah?A weird combination…period!

So thank God the National workshop’s over.I’m sure my boss is happy & all with the Chief Miniter and Excos present.Speaking of which I think I’ve been seeing a whole lot of YB Ronnie Liu.He’s like everywhere…

Since the new Councillors have been appointed,meetings are now held in full force.Everything has to be checked,doubled check and detailed out since everything will be questioned (let’s just hope the questions are original & not plagiarized..hahha).KMK was also held,suppossedly to erm..’enlighten’ you to innitiate effort to come up with innovative ideas on improving work quality (not just yours but also everyone else’s).

Ouh and APPC’s paying us a lil visit tomorrow and still..my room’s a mess & haven’t actually gotten myself to organize the related documents (so I’m thinking either I stay out of my office pretending I was off to meetings or pretend I just came back from maternity leave & didn’t know they were coming..)Yes..my life IS interesting..it is SO damn interesting that it’s making me barf..

From natural to the built environment and back again.Makes me sound like a hobbit;on a great jouney..with a "friend" (completely PLATONIC relationship..honest!!!)..going thru much trouble JUST to destroy a ring encrypted with writings that I can’t even read.

Things I’ve done so far:

-Aerobics.

-Circuit training.

-BLIP Test.

-Rounders.

-Abseilling.

-Kayak.

-Obstacle Course.

-Trekking.

-Rafting.

-Wall Climbing.

Things I’m unable to do (for the moment):

-Lift a cup of tea.

-Scratch my back.

-Lift my arms.

-Bend my knees.

-And many more that require any form of movement.

MIP Dinner at Sunway Resort & Spa was nice.I had friends who "kept" the servings (from starters to main course) for me.Basically,my table was full of food & probably made me look like afdlin shauki in "Buli" who had to pretend that ALL that food wasn’t for me.

Nope.Didn’t win any awards (then again,we didn’t even submit anything to begin with..hah ha).Our table was at the faaaarrrr end, made my neck hurt from constantly having to turn to face the screen.I probably still had that "fresh from the jungle" / "george of the jungle" scent lingering on me since I’d only managed a quick shower after the day’s rafting & wall climbing (but nobody complained anyway).Still had all those blisters,cuts,burns,chapped flakes (and splinter) on me. No.I’m not a pretty sight.

Though my initial thought was to probably having to hike 5km out to the nearest town & hitch a ride from a lorry/crate to get home.That didn’t happen (thank God).Not for this week anyway.I hardly think that I’ll be all that fortunate in time to come.

Closed off from love
I didn`t need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you`re frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone`s looking round
Thinking I`m going crazy

But I don`t care what they say
I`m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don`t know the truth
My heart`s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing`s greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I`m going crazy, maybe, maybe

You cut me open and I keep bleeding love